Some may say...who cares? But, to me, this essay is therapeutic. Read if you want to. Your choice. I have decided that boys are entirely crazy. Utterly complicated. I just don't see why boys & girls can't get along well enough without physical attraction! It's like the cliche that NEVER ENDS. It sometimes happens with my male friends...the attraction is just THERE like clockwork - naturally, like skin and bones. I don't feel that I am gorgeous or model material (I am average in looks, I would say), but I do think that my nutty personality just...DOES...something to certain people. Maybe it is that I am down to earth or something, and am into such ecclectic interests that I am as at home at a D&D party as I would be at an opera. Maybe it IS just due to my virginity (me supposedly being "a challenge" and all that), though I think that is unfair of me to say to myself, as I believe I am a pretty nifty person beyond that. I don't know. One would LIKE to think that some guys look for more into virgins than just their virginity; if that makes any sense. I mean [unless it is your fetish], there can't be a lot of fun in seducing a pasty, timid & clear as the driven snow virgin. It would be a little like necrophelia, or at least something similar. There's gotta be something ELSE, right? I guess I can analyze it until I am blue in the face...but whatever. I'll explain this, eventually. I am who I am. I will experience things when I am ready to, and the quicker people realize this the better. The topic of my Virginity just hasn't concerned me yet as much as it seems to concern most of the people I hang out with (many of whom I sincerly hope are reading this little diatribe). It is not due to a religious dedication, or some kind of cloistered childhood. I am not afraid of sex and have a healthy sexual appetite...I just haven't found a guy I mesh with enough to hang out with long after the deed is done. I think that you have to be able to look back, 40 years down the road, and remember your first time (& the guy, obviously) fondly. It shouldn't be some sloppy act behind a porta-potty at a concert (hey, I know someone it happened to), or a drunken haze of pain and frantic gropings. My mister is out there somewhere; and I don't really care how stupid or idealistic that comment may seem to the more hardened readers out there.So the plot thickens... I recently reunited with three boys whom I have known since childhood, being that we all went to private school together. Three guys who are eachother's friends, as well as my own. There is swinging boy A: a nice enough biker boy if you discount the fact that he is with someone at the moment ("But we are in an OPEN relationship, Leanne!"); wicked gamer boy B: great at embraces but requires a mind reader to understand; and pretty boy C: a sweet guy who I have a lot in common with, but too much of a playboy. He seems to like chasing after simpering girls (mostly skinny, gorgeous and vaguely oriental...practically my opposite) that will really hurt him. Has an unhealthy dose of charisma and horniness towards me and not much thought to its consequences. I return the sentiment, however awkward it may make things at times. *blush*Last month, I stopped talking to a male friend of mine, mainly because our busy lives just got in the way, but also because he was making "trying to get in my pants" some sort of olympic sport. I felt too much like a competition to him, a challenge...no longer a friend. A notch on his belt. It's one thing to use "the chase" as a stimulant or as a means of flirtation: it's quite another to constantly be boorish and stupid about the thing. Another guy, whom I had a crush on, I'll admit, moved away last month. A super great guy, and a shy kind of flirt, but was still mooning over a catty girl, however often he tried to deny it. He had some personal family problems he had to clear up...I hope he moves back soon, because he was one of those rare guys that a girl could talk to until dawn about ANYTHING. Electrolysis, farting, makeup, lingerie...whatever. I have only seen that quality in gay men, so to find a straight guy as in tune with the female sex was quite a find, believe me! It's a shame how things turned out, though I do still talk to him. And if my so called life wasn't complicated ENOUGH, I have friends and family trying to set me up with everyone but the family lawyer, a horde of handsome new coworkers @ the bookstore, and enough old hang-ups to shake a stick at: I even went on a triple date last night! 2 of my girlfriends called up a group of 3 roomates (friends), intending to set me up with one of them: all of us went over to my house for drinks and a pool party. It was fun, he seemed nice & pretty funny, but I am not exactly sure what will come of it. It seems as if one of my OTHER friends digs him more than I do, so she is welcome to him (though I'm not sure how the poor guy would feel about being used like a prized cow). *_@Everyone keeps subtly hinting at an underlying mantra: it must be utterly LONESOME for a girl of 23 to be a single virgin, mustn't it? One simply cannot be single in this day and age, after all, much less be a virgin. I should drop to the ground and be THANKING everyone for their kind-hearted offers to relieve me of my "burden", right? Right?! How generous they all are, how UTTERLY thoughtful. X_x Ok, so: Confession time. I have done my fair share of messing around (even a few days ago, in fact), but I definately have my boundaries where actual penetration goes - at least for the time being. Is there a problem with the fact that I am a romantic and don't want to settle for sex just because everyone seems to think that virginity is some sort of embarassing curse? WHY should it be anyone's business if I am sexually active or not? They can all just piss off, in my opinion. ^_+ So that's my rant. Have an opinion? Email me.
05/22/04 [Updated 5/30/04] -- My Virginity...and Boys
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